To Hell With Luck. I'll Bring The Luck With Me.
That's one of my favourite quotes. It's from The Old Man And The Sea by Hemingway. It kind of sums up how I feel.
I often get told that I have such bad luck. That's usually accompanied by a sorrowful look, a head tilt and a soft voice. I know that people mean well. I really really do get that. But I find it so offensive anyway. Because I don't possibly understand why anyone could think that I have bad luck. I kind of get where they're coming from in terms of "oh wouldn't it be better if you didn't have any of this!!!" But quite frankly, no. I am me and I am perfect like this. I am broken and I am faulty and I am happy and I love it. This is me. Healthy is not. That is okay.
I don't need your interpretation of luck, because I have my own. I should definitely be dead by now, that is a fact. I am not, that is also a fact. So how that can make me anything other than lucky, I have no idea. People assume that lucky would be to be like them, and to be healthy. Which is some weird assumption that their life is automatically better than mine because they don't visit hospitals. If this were about anything else, everybody would agree that it was offensive. "oh no you are ginger, I wish there was something I could do to help!!" I understand these are two massively extreme examples, but the point stands that they are things that make me me. And I do not wish to change them. So please keep your luck, I have my own.
What would the point be in wishing I was healthy, anyway? What would that achieve other than making me sad? It's not a possibility for me. I cannot be healthy, I never will be healthy, I never have been healthy. But I honestly do not care. Sitting around and wishing I was normal would be nothing short of some weird self torture. I'd rather embrace who I am and be happy in myself and make the most of my life. Because my life is an amazing gift that I was given time and time again when I shouldn't have been. I don't have the right to be sad about that. It makes no sense.
My Momma often tells me that having Crohn's Disease shaped who I am as a person. I agree. As far as I can remember, I have been unwell. So I have adapted to it. And I am very grateful for that. Because it has given me all of the parts of myself that I actually like. So I'm going to list them. Because there is totally nothing wrong with knowing what you like about yourself. It's much better than putting yourself down in the hopes that somebody else will go "oh no you're so wrong you're so nice!!" which seems to be what we're expected to do. (But we all know that "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" is the best and most important thing that Ru Paul has ever said... over and over and over again.)
I often get told that I have such bad luck. That's usually accompanied by a sorrowful look, a head tilt and a soft voice. I know that people mean well. I really really do get that. But I find it so offensive anyway. Because I don't possibly understand why anyone could think that I have bad luck. I kind of get where they're coming from in terms of "oh wouldn't it be better if you didn't have any of this!!!" But quite frankly, no. I am me and I am perfect like this. I am broken and I am faulty and I am happy and I love it. This is me. Healthy is not. That is okay.
I don't need your interpretation of luck, because I have my own. I should definitely be dead by now, that is a fact. I am not, that is also a fact. So how that can make me anything other than lucky, I have no idea. People assume that lucky would be to be like them, and to be healthy. Which is some weird assumption that their life is automatically better than mine because they don't visit hospitals. If this were about anything else, everybody would agree that it was offensive. "oh no you are ginger, I wish there was something I could do to help!!" I understand these are two massively extreme examples, but the point stands that they are things that make me me. And I do not wish to change them. So please keep your luck, I have my own.
What would the point be in wishing I was healthy, anyway? What would that achieve other than making me sad? It's not a possibility for me. I cannot be healthy, I never will be healthy, I never have been healthy. But I honestly do not care. Sitting around and wishing I was normal would be nothing short of some weird self torture. I'd rather embrace who I am and be happy in myself and make the most of my life. Because my life is an amazing gift that I was given time and time again when I shouldn't have been. I don't have the right to be sad about that. It makes no sense.
My Momma often tells me that having Crohn's Disease shaped who I am as a person. I agree. As far as I can remember, I have been unwell. So I have adapted to it. And I am very grateful for that. Because it has given me all of the parts of myself that I actually like. So I'm going to list them. Because there is totally nothing wrong with knowing what you like about yourself. It's much better than putting yourself down in the hopes that somebody else will go "oh no you're so wrong you're so nice!!" which seems to be what we're expected to do. (But we all know that "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" is the best and most important thing that Ru Paul has ever said... over and over and over again.)
- I have a high pain threshold. I like this, because it makes me tough. Although I'll definitely still complain if I get a papercut. But I can cope with the big things.
- I am used to being ill. I like this, because like the previous, it helps me achieve my best. Because I can work through all of this, it is normal to me. So it doesn't stop me.
- I care. I like this, because I have often had to be the person being cared for. So whenever I can, I want to care for others. I kind of feel like I owe it to everyone. But it makes me happy.
- I am determined. I like this, because it keeps me alive. It also makes me achieve the best that I can, in everything. Some people call this stubborn..
- I understand my value. I like this, because I think everybody should be able to say they know their value. I have seen people working day and night to keep me breathing, I know all of the struggles that go into it. And I know that I have to make it worth it, too.
- I understand a lot of medical stuff. I like this, because I find it extremely interesting to talk about, also, it makes me feel smart.
- I am understanding. I like this, because if somebody has an issue, they know they can talk to me. I'm not going to say "that's nothing, try having this". I understand that everybody's issues are equal to the upset they cause them. That is the only scale they can ever be measured on.
- I love. I like this, because it makes me happy. I love my family. I love my friends. And I tell them as often as I can. Because it's super important.
All of that comes from having Crohn's Disease. So how on earth could I ever be unlucky? I am so lucky. I am so happy. I am perfectly okay with who I am and what I live with. I am grateful.
Love and shit x
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