Why I'm Proud Of Myself.

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I'm sat in bed right now with my big pup snoring next to me and my four rats sitting munching their dinner and I'm very proud of myself. Because today, I did completely ordinary and mundane stuff that I would usually do every single day, and I did it all without crying once. That's a big deal.

So there's this weird thing, that I'm sure I'm not the only one who experiences. Where once I come out of hospital (oh, spoiler: been in hospital again) I struggle. Even washing. You have no idea how exhausted you can be until you have to have a lay down after having a quick shower. By which time you need to shower again because you're too sweaty. None of this is helped by my brain. It dislikes me as much as my body does sometimes. At the moment, the levels of anxiety I have are some of the highest they've been for a very long time, if not ever. But I'm still smashing it.

So yesterday morning I was talking to one of my favourite family friends. Someone who I love absolutely an incredible amount and hope to absolutely always be able to call my friend, because she is one of the most beautiful humans I've ever had the pleasure and luck of meeting. Also she has a cute dog. And we decided that a really good way for me to feel less anxious would be if I wrote a list each morning of aims. This is something I've often tried to do before, but usually got too anxious and given in. But I'm determined not to now.

To give some context, these aren't lists like :

  • Climb mount everest
  • Make first million
  • Give a stranger my kidney
They're more like this:
  • Wash
  • Remember to eat and drink properly
  • Clean rats
  • Walk dog
  • Do some washing
  • Check university emails
  • Try and have a conversation with someone
But they're just as important. Because they mean I can look at the list each night, see what I've marked off, and realise that I don't have as many reasons to be anxious as I thought I did when I woke up this morning. In theory, if I do this everyday, one day it'll dawn on me that HEY I'M NOT ANXIOUS TODAY. Will update on that bit...

One of my aims for the last two days has been to write a new blog post. I kept trying. But I couldn't think of anything that I wanted to say. And then I realised, that this is perfectly acceptable. Because it's definitely the type of thing more people need to realise is okay to be happy with. I showered today and even put on makeup. Go me.

So, yeah. I'm proud of myself. And you should be too. Regardless of what you achieved. When my physical health sucks, I definitely deserve to be proud of having a shower. And when my mental health sucks, I definitely deserve to be proud of remembering I have to drink water. I did both of those today. And that's really about as successful as I need to be right now. Everything else can wait until my body can cope.

Love and shit x

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