Bag Acceptance!

This post is intended to be much more positive and happy than some of my others may have turned out. As the overall idea for this blog was 🌞🌞🌞 HAPPINESS🌞🌞🌞 Because there's little point in dwelling in any other emotions for longer than you absolutely must.

Having a stoma bag fitted is often compared to death. That sounds pretty extreme, so I should definitely expand before anyone reading this who may have to have one has mass panic attacks. It's compared to death because of the five stages of grief. They apply here too. They apply to any life changing scenarios, and just like in any other life changing scenarios, you will refuse to accept that you are going through them until you reach the final and longest one. Although that may just be me, as I'm pretty stubborn. (There you go, Mom, I admitted it.)

For anyone that doesn't know the five stages of grief, or anyone who needs a handy little diagram to hold up next to their loved ones face to determine what stage they're currently feeling, here it is:

Denial in the cases of a bag, often comes before the bag. I went through this stage for yeaaaaars. I was so insanely adamant that I'd never have a bag, that I'd rather die. But that's really easy to say when you're not directly faced with it. Because I was scared, and we only discover how brave we are when we have to be. After this, was probably everyone around me's least favourite of the stages. Angry little teenager stage. Chances are I was probably a bit of a dick to everyone. (I'm still one now, just with less reason to be so...) Then I started bargaining. I had opted to ignore the statistics and my health and believe that I'd be one of the lucky people who get to have a nice little reversal after a couple of months. That the bag was only temporary, that it would be a horrible distant memory soon and I'd never have to think about it again. Slowly it dawned on me that this really wasn't the case. (When they removed my anus was probably a good indication of this then four year bag being permanent). Then the realisation that it was permanent set in, and so did the depression.

But after that, came a glorious stage that yeah, occasionally still slips into depression, of course it does. That's not helped by the actual clinical depression though. But still, BAG ACCEPTANCE!

I love my stoma bag. He is wonderful. He saved my life. He has given me every single day of my life since before my 18th birthday. He made me learn to love myself. And this is something that has made every single aspect of my life better. In the past one and a half/two years, I've been happier than ever before, and more confident. This bag has made me realise who I am, and who I want to be, and I'm so very grateful for that. A massive part of the acceptance is down to my friends. They will happily talk about poo and stoma stuff with me, and constantly make jokes about it. It taught me that there's nothing to be ashamed of, and that it's part of me so I should just own it. 

So here's my list of things that are absolutely awesome about having a stoma bag 😍

1. Not having to sit on a cold toilet seat for longer than a wee in winter.
2. Being able to blame a slightly round tummy on your bag (eats extra packet of crisps).
3. Never being the one who let out a really loud fart in a quiet room.
4. NO MORE BUTT EXAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5. Most people can happily swim in their bags, meaning no more mid-swim trips to the loos.
6. If you fart in the bag, nobody can smell it.
7. Really easy for stool samples, and somehow a lot less embarrassing too??
8. SOO good for when you're too lazy to get up and go to the loo that exact moment.
9. You can eat and poo simultaneously.
10. Not having to stay within sprinting distance of a toilet.
11. Not having to time when you eat around when you'll be near a toilet!
12. When I first got my bag I found it hilarious that there was a make of bags called Hollister, so I'd take great joy in telling people I was wearing a Hollister two-piece and then sending them a photo of a stoma bag.
13. Dogs sniff your tummy instead of your butt.
14. Knowing what you need to eat dependant on the colour/thickness of the output.
15. Way less time on the loo.
16. Never having to go for a poo at someones house.
17. Getting out of eating gross stuff by telling people "I'm really sorry but my bag doesn't cope well with that".
18. Poking bits of floating food through the bag when you're bored...
19. Nobody can tell if you've just had a big poo because you don't leave that weird smell of bum sweat in the bathroom behind you.
20. Always having adhesive remover near by. It comes in handy way more than you'd think.
21. If your hands are really cold, it's kinda like a hot water bottle...
22. Never having to sit on a public loo seat again
23. Not spending extended amounts of time in the loo at festivals.
24. Always having a bag of poo on standby if someone really pisses you off.
25. You won't ever have to worry about pooing yourself during child birth!
26. If someone is annoying you, you can tell them that you're pooing and they'll leave you alone.
27. Can spend many hours talking about what digests and what doesn't with co-workers when very bored at work. (Hi Dave!)
28. NO MORE BUTT EXAMS, AGAIN!!!!!!!
29. Cleanest bum around.
30. If you have really loose output you have to eat a high carb diet and that means lots of pasta.
31. Free prescriptions.
32. Nice bonding experience with your best friend when you first show it to her and she watches beansprouts come out of it.
33. Using disabled toilets. If anyone looks at you funny, *WHAM* flash them your poo bag!
34. Naming him and talking to him like he is a separate being, so you're never lonely...
35. If you're out walking the dog in a forest and it's reaaaally full and getting sore, you can empty it in a bush and nobody will everrrr knowwwww.
36. You don't absorb as much salt in your body so can put extra on chips.
37. You can make funny noises with it, and sometimes they weird people out.
38. If any food you really love makes you fart loads, you can eat it without worrying about making people run away.
39. Eating a lot of edible glitter for a pick-me-up later on.
40. You can get underwear on prescription, and it's not as unattractive as you might think (may be fooling myself here).
41. Kids find it funny. Nephews especially. (although mine thinks I pee like a boy, but from my tummy...)
42. No more red marks round your bum from sitting on the loo too long.
43. If you're bored of a conversation you can go "oh no my bag is leaking, I'm so sorry, gotta run to the loo, who knows how long it could take!!!!" then go scroll through facebook for a bit on the bathroom floor.
44. Sometimes when you empty it, it'll smell like the food you ate rather than poo which is A) a lot nicer and B) really funny in public toilets when you come out and see someone like "why was she eating chinese food in that cubicle??"
45. And finally, no more butt exams.

I feel really sorry for all of you without one. Maybe one day it'll be an elective surgery.

Love and shit x

PS, loads of people agreed with me on the hot water bottle and squashing food bits, so judge them, not me.